The Smith's: November 2007

So many of our friends have had children recently. I sent an email out about an article I read about Mommy's finding Mommy time in their weeks. It is so hard, but the email was so true. Anyone that knows me knows I struggled right after I had Addison. I was so distant from her. I loved her, yes, but it wasn't that mushy, cuddlely, snugglely love.... I didn't rush home from work to be with her every night. Instead, I went to the gym. I would delayed going home as long as possible.... Sounds horrible, I know..... I have since learned, and feel like I have made great strides....

But, in the past two weeks, I have come to realize, that it might not have been just me.... What I mean is this - Jackson has been sick lately. At first he was just teething, and then it progressed... Staying up all night, not napping, me staying home from work to watch him, etc. It has been rough. He doesn't want to be put down at all. Anyone who has laid eyes on Jackson knows this is SOOOO not him. He is the most laid back and chill baby ever. He is a good eater normally and loves to sleep. He started sleeping through the night when he was 5 months old.... We were SOOO lucky. Anyway, I got to the point the other day when I just had to get out. I called my mom and asked her to come over after school for an hour. I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt for the first time ever with him that I could not hold him another second.... I feel like many first time mom's with difficult babies go through this. What I just described in a nut shell was Addison. She NEVER slept, she didn't want to eat, and was constantly sick. It was horrible for about the first 9 months. I honestly don't know how Edgar and I did it (and then wanted more kids....)

Anyway, I hope all moms know that while we aren't perfect, we need time to get be alone without demanding children. And they are so demanding. Now, I am not advicating going to the gym after work, because in hindsight, that was selfish, I could have worked her into my exercising like I do now with both of them, but time away is what the doctor calls for. I often talk to Edgar about if I had been a little more relaxed and if she weren't such a difficult baby, would I still feel like I wasn't the best mom the first year of her life.

I talked to my priest about having pent up frustration with how I acted that first year. And even though he is a man, he is such a wise man..... He said by knowing I did wrong and improving it, is what matters - not the mistakes. This is how God looks at our lives and our mistakes as well..... Anyway, to all you knew mothers, and women thinking of being a mother - I am thinking of you. And the first year is the roughest anyway, after that, it is smooth sailing. I never thought I would love just being with my little monkies as I do. Addison told me the other day that I was her "best friend". Now, could you ever beat that???